This blog about encouragement is the first in a series of 14 weekly blogs that will highlight positive strategies in enriching your relationship with your child. Each of the strategies help make up the acronym “E.N.R.I.C.H.” and will help us end 2022 on an enriched, positive note!
Rudolph Dreikurs famously said, “children need encouragement like plants need water.” Research reveals this to be so very true. The root of encouragement is “courage” – when we say something that encourages our child, we give them courage to try, to extend, to be brave. When our child is “dis-couraged,” they lack the willingness to try something new or extend themselves to unique situations, leading them to miss out on enjoyable activities or opportunities for learning.
Benefits of encouragement
Positive parenting practices fully embrace encouragement as a strategy to support our children. When we encourage our child, it helps build self-esteem, confidence, and agency. They are more willing to try things which aids physical, social, and emotional growth. It helps the child feel supported and loved. It also helps them become resilient as they try various activities, successfully or unsuccessfully, knowing that you are there to help them if needed. And again, it gives them courage.
Let’s face it, we all need some encouragement now & then. It feels so much better to have your boss say, “yeah – that’s a really difficult part of your job but you’ve caught on well to other requirements so I think you’ll get this too.” We feel like we want to dig in and be successful. How would you feel, though, if that boss said, “oh jeez – that’s a really difficult part of your job so let’s not tackle that now – that’s not going to be easy for you.” Do you still feel like you want to jump in and be successful? Probably not . . . . or at least, certainly not at the same level as if you had been encouraged.
Although children have fewer skills than adults do, simply by virtue of age and experience, they react the same way as adults – with courage or with hesitation & concern. Encouragement produces much better results. It shouldn’t be fake, though. Children can see through that. If you say, “I know you can do it” but ‘it’ happens to be swimming in the deep end of a pool before they’ve learned how to blow bubbles under water . . . well, that’s not only not true but it’s also dangerous. In other words, encouragement works when something is just beyond the child’s typical behavior or skill level – not when something is way out of reach. It’s like reaching your hand out to help them climb up the next step, not to the very top in one leap.
Using encouragement
What are some ways you can use encouragement? Here are some ideas, applicable to various ages:
“I know it’s difficult to share your toys but I’ve seen you do it before and know you can do it again.”
“I’m guessing this grade wasn’t what you expected, right? You’ve been successful before, though. What have you done in the past to be successful on your tests?”
“I love how hard you’re working on building that bird house!”
“When you have a minute, I could sure use your help – you’ve always got some creative ways of analyzing tricky situations!”
“I think you’re ready to try riding without the training wheels!”
“Yesterday you seemed really bothered but today you seem in a better mood. Good for you for working through it! But let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
“I really like the way you are trying to get the shoe laces tied. It’s not easy but you’ve almost got it!”
“Thumbs up on that – you did a great job of getting your chores done today!”
As you can see, these are positive ways of dealing with various situations. The encouragement is also specific, not just a “you’re a smart girl – you can figure it out.” While that can also be encouraging, identifying her as ‘smart’ may actually put her in a bind. What if she can’t figure it out? Does that mean she’s no longer smart?! That could be quite worrisome for her!
Often, you’ll be able to figure out what an encouraging word would be just by thinking how you would feel if someone said it to you. If it feels demeaning, try rewording it. If it feels fake, make sure you’re specific. If it feels comfortable or reassuring, use it. Your child’s reaction will tell you if you got it right. And if you didn’t, let me be encouraging to you . . . . .try again – no one gets it right all the time and I know you can be encouraging for your child! 🙂
For more information
Encouragement is the first strategy I talk about in my new book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, sold on Amazon in paperback and eBook. Read more about it HERE. Get your copy today and read more about the importance of encouragement!
