“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
Thomas Edison
I don’t know about you, but some days just aren’t good days. I’m grumpy, moody, angry, or just feeling low. If my husband says, “cheer up!” . . . . that usually just makes me grumpier! Does that happen to you? It’s only when I actively try to do something about it that I am able to ‘use the negatives’ and turn things around.
The same thing happens to our kids. They will experience difficult situations and bad days. But many times, kids don’t have many strategies for dealing with the negatives. That’s where parents can help.
In my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, I’ve given suggestions for ways to help our children learn to deal with the negatives. “She was mean to me.” “I got a bad grade.” “I’m bored.” “My life sucks.” Maybe you’ve heard some of these? Here are some tips for helping those negatives turn into growth-producing, positive opportunities:
- Fully listen when they share a negative. Resist the urge to say “life isn’t fair” or “get over it and move on.” Comments like these shut down conversation, removing opportunities for your child to think out loud about what they could do.
- Be encouraging. Remind them of a time when you saw them deal with a tough situation successfully. Or offer to be a sounding board for some of their ideas of how to resolve the issue.
- Have empathy. Try to feel what they may be experiencing so you can be more understanding. Sometimes sharing a personal story about how you went through something similar can help them see they are not the only one having an issue.
- Let them struggle for a bit. It is in the struggle that they learn what works and what doesn’t. In other words, allow your child to deal with the negatives in their own way initially, offering support only in serious situations or if they continue to struggle. If you swoop in to ‘save the day’ they don’t learn. They may also think you think they can’t handle it.
- Challenge their thinking. Human nature makes us assume the worst – it’s a survival technique we’ve all inherited from our ancestors. But sometimes things aren’t the worst! Help your child verbalize what they are thinking and feeling to help them see whether they may be assuming something that’s not really there. As I say in my book, “sometimes our thoughts and feelings are actually more harmful than the actual situation.”
- Help them name their emotions. It’s much easier to work with a situation when you can really understand how you feel about it.
- Help them strategize. If they really do have an issue that needs working out, help them come up with ways they can deal with the negative. When they take that step, make sure to follow up with them to congratulate them for trying, regardless of the outcome.
- Resist the urge to say, “I told you so.” Remember – they are “adults in training” – they won’t get things right every time.
- Get help if things are really tough. None of us can handle everything on our own. When your child is really struggling and dealing with the negatives seems out of control or impossible, reach out to a professional. It shows you care and models that seeking help is not something to be embarrassed about.
It is in dealing with the negatives that we mature and grow. While it’s tempting to try to remove the negatives from our child’s life, we all want what’s best for our child. What’s best is to help them learn how to deal with the negatives that will inevitably come their way. After all, experiencing the negatives is what helps us really appreciate the positives!
