This week’s topic is empathy. This is the second positive parenting technique I talk about in my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child.
Do you know the difference between empathy and sympathy? One easy way to identify the difference is by what someone might say – “that’s too bad” or “I feel your pain.” The first one is sympathy – expressing sorrow for what someone is going through. The second one is empathy – actually feeling what someone is going through. The quickest way to have empathy is to remember a similar situation you may have gone through and calling up that feeling within you. That helps you actually feel what someone else may be feeling.
Why is this important when we’re talking about relationships with children? Because empathy is a deeper, more personal connection and can help put you “in the shoes” of what your child might be going through. Rather than saying “that’s too bad that you didn’t get invited to the party,” you might say “I’m so sorry you didn’t get invited, I know that can really hurt feelings.” Let’s be clear though – both comments can be helpful and supportive for your child so I’m not saying don’t have sympathy. But when you express empathy, you really connect into what your child is going through and that can help them feel supported and open up a bit more.
Example of empathy
In my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, I give an example that might help us understand the benefits of empathy.
“Mom, do you think my hair looks dumb?” asks Jaynelle.
“Of course not!” mom says, as she closes the fridge and looks straight at Jaynelle. “Why are you asking me that question – did something happen?”
With a frown on her face, Jaynelle replied, “yeah, Lindsey told me this morning she thought my hair looked dumb and I didn’t even know what to say!” Jaynelle looked down at the floor as she ran her fingers through her hair.
As Mom made eye contact with Jaynelle, she said, “oh I’m so sorry that happened to you Jaynelle. I can tell by your face that it really bothered you. That wasn’t a fun way to start your day! Come sit with me on the couch and let’s talk about this.”
“That really stinks that she said that,” Mom said, putting her arm around her as they both sank into the couch pillows.
“Yeah, she’s been mean to me before but this time it really hurt my feelings,” said Jaynelle, as her eyes welled up with tears.
“Totally – when people say mean things to us, it can definitely make us feel badly,” Mom replied. “I had something similar happen to me one time – someone told me my jeans made me look fat. It bothered me so much I ended up getting rid of those jeans! It seems like that might be how you’re feeling right now. I’m so sorry.” Mom snuggled up next to Jaynelle and just sat quietly with her on the couch.
Steps to showing empathy
Brene Brown has a great YouTube video on empathy versus sympathy. In it, she describes 4 different steps to showing empathy. Using these steps helps us connect with our child: 1) take the perspective of your child. In other words, step out of your role as parent and see the situation through your child’s eyes; 2) hold back any judgement about the situation – just let your child vent – simply listen; 3) feel with your child; and lastly, 4) connect with something in yourself that helps you understand the person.
This may feel like a lot of steps and it’s not always easy to do. When we’re in a grumpy mood, tired, in a hurry – any of these situations can make having empathy seem like too much work. But when we’re able to connect on the deeper, more personal level, it creates a wonderful bond between parent and child, no matter the child’s age.
Empathy shows you truly care, models caring behavior, and helps your child feel loved, supported, and resilient. Definitely worth the effort.
