“I’ve gotta be me – what else can I be?!” That’s the line from a 1968 song by Sammy Davis Jr. The entire song fits very well with the “I” in E.N.R.I.C.H. – identity, which discusses identity formation in children.

Here’s the link if you’d like to listen – it’s full of great commentary on the importance of being who we really are. https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=iZeebIqwcC8.

You might wonder why I included a section on identity in my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child (available on Amazon). Simply put . . . . it’s important! Helping our children understand who they are, what they are capable of, and how they tick is as important for their mental health as healthy food is for their physical health. As I write in my book, identity is not just biological identification but also includes “thoughts, feelings, habits, motivations, morals, goals, experiences, culture, careers, strengths, and so on. It’s the quintessential question, “who am I.” “

Stages of identity

As a child ages, there are different stages they will go through that help them identify who they are, known as identity formation. Toddlers learn about themselves as they gain independence, requiring your support to encourage them in their exploration. Three to 6 year-olds will continue that exploration, and begin to take initiative, doing things on their own. An inevitable over-stepping of boundaries will occur which will require your understanding, encouragement, and guidance (not punishment). Our 7-11 year olds start to realize what they can’t do as much as what they can do. Social comparisons also become painful or prideful. And, of course, preteens and teens can struggle almost daily with who they are, what they like, who they are friends with, and what is right or wrong. Again, this is totally normal development albeit sometimes difficult for us as parents when we don’t know exactly how to help. Trust, encouragement, support, and love are critically important.

Personality & temperament

Sometimes it’s tempting to assume our child is one way or another and will never change. And it’s true – our temperament directly influences who we are. Temperament is essentially one’s activity level, attention span, adaptability, and responsiveness. Temperament is considered to be innate and biologically-based. Personality, on the other hand, is related to how one thinks, acts, and interacts with others. Personality changes can occur as one matures and incorporates the various experiences in life.

Given this information, parents can have a better sense of how to react and interact with their child. If your child has a different temperament than you do (you tend to do things quickly, for example, while your child tends to be slower), you’ll want to make sure you still support them for who they are – don’t expect them to adjust to your temperament. And, if your child’s personality seems to have taken a turn for the worse – they’re stubborn, moody, or defiant, for example, just remember that experiences (& their developmental process) might be the issue. Continue to offer your support and encouragement but make sure you’re also encouraging communication.

Sexual identity

“A child is a person first,” as I say in my book. Political battles aside, research shows unequivocally that some adolescents/teens’ sexual identification may not match a binary choice of male or female. Or, they may feel their assigned gender does not match their mental self-identification. “As your child matures to the adolescent and teen years, respect, dignity, and support need to continue, regardless of their sexual or gender preferences and orientations. To remove support can drastically negatively affect one’s identity and feelings of self-worth.” Your child counts on your support to mature into who they are meant to become.

How do we help?

To assist in your child’s identity formation, make sure to:

• keep lines of communication open
• be aware of differences in temperament and work to allow them the space to function within their temperament
• set appropriate boundaries for behavior, using positive discipline to help correct
• remind yourself that, with each developmental stage, there will be changes in personality – in other words, when possible, go with the flow of what your child/adolescent/teen is experiencing
• always be aware you are a role model – be genuine in who you are while accepting differences in others
• encourage, encourage, encourage
• support, support, support

Summary

As Sammy Davis Jr. sang, “I can’t be right for somebody else, If I’m not right for me.” Identity formation takes a life-time. I joke that I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up! Sometimes it’s definitely a struggle to deal with the physical, social, and emotional growth our children will go through but it’s oh-so rewarding when they become the person they were meant to be. And then we love them, no matter what . . . . so they can love themselves.