This week’s focus is to help children learn how to name their emotions. It is one of the “N’s” in E.N.R.I.C.H. Naming emotions is a strategy that is meant to help your child not only learn how to regulate their emotions but to be resilient through the ups and downs of childhood by expressing themself.

Have you ever heard the phrase ‘name it to tame it?’ When we can name what emotion we’re feeling, we know how to deal with it. Young children don’t know how to express their various emotions so we often see crying, tantrums, or withdrawal. Helping our child name their emotion gives them a communication tool to help them, as well as us, know what we’re dealing with. As children get older, they may know the name of how they’re feeling but not be comfortable expressing it. We need to help them not only be aware of their feelings but to know how to express them in an appropriate way. This is a gift that keeps on giving as it is a wonderful life-long skill. If our 7-year-old can say, “I’m frustrated with all the rules” rather than throwing a fit when we ask them to clean up, that not only helps them in getting their feelings out but it helps us understand what might be needed as a next step.

Why is naming emotions important?

In the parenting workshops I give, utilizing my new book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, I talk about how being able to name emotions, as well as express them, helps reduce stress, makes the child more resilient, and improves communication. This goes for all children . . . boys and girls. For far too long, society has subtly (and not so subtly) told boys to hold in their emotions. Research is showing this is not helpful to their mental health and can actually be detrimental to society as a whole.

We cannot tell a child or adolescent (or adult) how to feel or not to feel a certain way, but we can certainly help them identify those feelings and figure out a way to deal with them. Unexpressed feelings build up and can cause all sorts of issues from bullying to depression to headaches to anxiety.

Think of emotions as a water hose. One unexpressed emotion causes a small kink in the hose so the child’s energy or communication doesn’t flow quite as well. If they have numerous unexpressed emotions, or a particular emotion builds up, now we’ve got a hose that is just barely dribbling water. The minute something happens to un-kink that hose, it sprays all over the please, releasing built up tension. A child (or adult, for that matter) is the same way. When we hold in how we’re feeling, or try to ignore it, it can build and build, ultimately causing a ‘spray’ of emotions that may or may not be appropriate.

“feelings are like farts – better out than in”

E. Zhivotosvskaya

Helping our child name and express their emotions needs to consider their temperament, the time of day, and the place. Some children won’t need to have a long conversation about it – just a little help. Others, however, may need to really work at identifying how they feel so they can communicate it. When you help your child name an emotion, it’s best to do in private, one-on-one, if possible. In the middle of the movie theater is probably not the best time to say, “tell me what you’re feeling so I can help you.”

It’s not just for the negative emotions

And let’s not forget – there are plenty of positive emotions that we also want our children to identify! Hearing our son or daughter say, “I’m really proud of the work I put into that” is a wonderful way to name an emotion! They need to learn that focusing on their strengths and abilities, being successful, and expressing that, is okay, especially since it builds self esteem. And, as a parent, give yourself credit now and then too by naming your emotion – “I feel really good about the way I handled that issue with you kids!”

And I’m excited I was able to share this important information with you. 😉

This week’s topic is empathy. This is the second positive parenting technique I talk about in my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child.

Do you know the difference between empathy and sympathy? One easy way to identify the difference is by what someone might say – “that’s too bad” or “I feel your pain.” The first one is sympathy – expressing sorrow for what someone is going through. The second one is empathy – actually feeling what someone is going through. The quickest way to have empathy is to remember a similar situation you may have gone through and calling up that feeling within you. That helps you actually feel what someone else may be feeling.

Why is this important when we’re talking about relationships with children? Because empathy is a deeper, more personal connection and can help put you “in the shoes” of what your child might be going through. Rather than saying “that’s too bad that you didn’t get invited to the party,” you might say “I’m so sorry you didn’t get invited, I know that can really hurt feelings.” Let’s be clear though – both comments can be helpful and supportive for your child so I’m not saying don’t have sympathy. But when you express empathy, you really connect into what your child is going through and that can help them feel supported and open up a bit more.

Example of empathy

In my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, I give an example that might help us understand the benefits of empathy.

“Mom, do you think my hair looks dumb?” asks Jaynelle.

“Of course not!” mom says, as she closes the fridge and looks straight at Jaynelle. “Why are you asking me that question – did something happen?”

With a frown on her face, Jaynelle replied, “yeah, Lindsey told me this morning she thought my hair looked dumb and I didn’t even know what to say!” Jaynelle looked down at the floor as she ran her fingers through her hair.

As Mom made eye contact with Jaynelle, she said, “oh I’m so sorry that happened to you Jaynelle. I can tell by your face that it really bothered you. That wasn’t a fun way to start your day! Come sit with me on the couch and let’s talk about this.”

“That really stinks that she said that,” Mom said, putting her arm around her as they both sank into the couch pillows.

“Yeah, she’s been mean to me before but this time it really hurt my feelings,” said Jaynelle, as her eyes welled up with tears.

“Totally – when people say mean things to us, it can definitely make us feel badly,” Mom replied. “I had something similar happen to me one time – someone told me my jeans made me look fat. It bothered me so much I ended up getting rid of those jeans! It seems like that might be how you’re feeling right now. I’m so sorry.” Mom snuggled up next to Jaynelle and just sat quietly with her on the couch.

Steps to showing empathy

Brene Brown has a great YouTube video on empathy versus sympathy. In it, she describes 4 different steps to showing empathy. Using these steps helps us connect with our child: 1) take the perspective of your child. In other words, step out of your role as parent and see the situation through your child’s eyes; 2) hold back any judgement about the situation – just let your child vent – simply listen; 3) feel with your child; and lastly, 4) connect with something in yourself that helps you understand the person.

This may feel like a lot of steps and it’s not always easy to do. When we’re in a grumpy mood, tired, in a hurry – any of these situations can make having empathy seem like too much work. But when we’re able to connect on the deeper, more personal level, it creates a wonderful bond between parent and child, no matter the child’s age.

Empathy shows you truly care, models caring behavior, and helps your child feel loved, supported, and resilient. Definitely worth the effort.