“Bethany, come back in here right now and give your grandmother a hug and a kiss for the gift she brought for you! You’re so ungrateful!” Mom shouted from the couch, exhausted from all her holiday preparations.
“Thank you, Gramma,” Bethany yelled from the kitchen.
“Bethany Ann, get your butt in here now or you can go to your room!” Mom responded tartly. Bethany begrudgingly slid back into the family room and gave grandma a peck on the cheek before darting back into the kitchen.
Is Bethany being disrespectful? Maybe . . . maybe not.
What’s respect all about
Treating others the way you want to be treated OR treating others the way they want to be treated is what respect is about. Being polite, showing honor, being kind and attentive – these all describe what we think of as respectful behavior.
We often think children should show respect to their elders, no matter what. And respect is indeed important! But respect is a two-way street. As I wrote in my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, “children learn by observing and then modeling our behavior. If they are treated disrespectfully, they learn to be disrespectful. If they are treated like their opinion doesn’t matter, they learn to treat others as if their opinions don’t matter, including their parents’ opinions.”
Respect during the holidays
Why am I talking about respect now? Because life seems to be at a fever pitch during the holidays, causing all of us to feel, and express, our stress even more. As you find yourself overwhelmed with everything that needs to get done, that stress trickles down to your kids. Are you seeing more meltdowns? Is everyone amped up? Has sleeping become an issue? These issues may be a result of the anticipation of the holidays, school breaks, and pressure to be around relatives. As you work with your child, make sure it includes a dose of respect (and empathy) for what they’re experiencing.
How to encourage respect
If you’re noticing some disrespectful behavior (in yourself as well as your child!) around the holidays, it might be time to take a deep breath and . . .
- Talk and listen. Talk about how you’re feeling and what behaviors you’re noticing in your children. This not only models self-care and the importance of expressing emotions, but also shows your children you respect them, their opinions, and what they might be going through. Family meetings or one-on-one conversations can help keep the holiday crazies at bay. Just make sure you truly listen to their feelings or concerns and take them seriously.
- Reduce your expectations – for your child and yourself. While holiday traditions are important, if you find your expectations are exceeding what you or your child can truly accomplish comfortably, it might be time to tweak that tradition into a more flexible process.
- Show respect. The stress of trying to get everything done can mean tempers flare more easily. Your child is likely feeling their own stress as well as your stress – only they may not understand why they’re moody, anxious, or exhausted. When you show respect by recognizing they may be on overload, they learn how to be respectful even when challenged.
So let’s look back at our encounter with Bethany. Was Bethany disrespectful? Well – if she didn’t say ‘thank you’ to Grandma when she opened her gift, that’s certainly a missed opportunity for showing respect to Grandma. On the other hand, Bethany did not experience respect. Mom yelled at her and called her ungrateful. And what if Mom had just yelled at Grandma for not getting the correct gift? Kids need to see respect to learn it, even when we’re exhausted from all the holiday trappings.
Before you discipline for behavior, make sure you are being respectful
One quick note – forcing your child to hug, kiss, or otherwise physically interact with someone can be tricky. Yes – Grandma may really appreciate that kiss on the cheek but to force a child to give them a hug or kiss, sit on a relative’s lap, rub their back, or whatever, can send the wrong message to a child. I had a great Uncle who tickled me even when I asked him to stop. He made me uncomfortable and fortunately, my parents didn’t require me to give him a hug or kiss. Kids need to understand they have control over their own bodies. That helps them grow up to respect themselves.
