Happy Valentine’s Day! What a great day to talk about communication! In my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, we learn about the importance of listening, not just talking. We learn about supporting your child by using eye contact, not interrupting, asking powerful questions, and using I-messages. This kind of positive communication with your child or teen, one on one, is one of the quickest ways to show your child you love them!
There are times when it’s difficult to listen – we can’t wait to impart our wisdom or decision or direction. And some situations call for quick action. But let’s face it, most of the time you could probably take a bit more time to listen to their side of the story or their true feelings, right?
So what does your child really need more than the candy hearts and valentines? Positive communication with candy hearts and valentines!
focus on listening . . . really listening (best done with no cell phones, TV, or multitasking).
‘active listening’ – eye contact, one-to-one, restating what you think they are saying, listen person-to-person, not adult-to-child
use questions that make them think (powerful questions) – “that sounds tough – how did you handle that” or “what led you to that conclusion?” or “when you feel that way, what could you do differently next time?”
don’t interrupt or fill in the silence; give them a chance to continue expressing their thoughts
use I-messages – “I’m feeling frustrated with how things are going because it’s not what we had agreed to” or “I’m so happy you made that choice because it shows me you can make good decisions.”
keep an open mind
be flexible and open to compromise (when age- & situation-appropriate)
have serious conversations when you and your child are both fully awake
keep the “I told you so” or “not in my house” comments to yourself
There is SO much more to communication than this but suffice it to say that if you keep some of these in mind when you talk with your child, no matter their age (!), it shows you care for them, support them, value them, and respect them. And of course, it SHOWS YOU LOVE THEM! A great gift for Valentine’s Day!
To enjoy your family tomorrow, you have to be in your child’s life today.
Being involved with your child means different things to each of us. Possibly your parent wasn’t very involved with you growing up so you’ve made it your goal to be fully involved in your child’s life. Or maybe you work two jobs and being involved with your child can only happen late evening and on weekends. Regardless, I hope we can all agree that being involved, genuinely and consistently, in your child’s life is important.
What does appropriate involvement look like?
When you spend time with your child, you are letting them know you care. Undivided attention sends the best message but sometimes just being in the same room, doing different things, can be considered involvement. Appropriate involvement includes:
finding regular time to spend one-on-one with your child. If you have more than one child, involvement together is great but the individual time is important.
making sure the time you spend with your child does not depend on their gender. It’s not surprising you may enjoy certain activities with your daughter and not your son, or vice versa. Just make sure you are spreading your time equally as best you can. Children quickly pick up on subtle cues such as the amount of time you spend with them versus their sibling. And favoritism can wreak havoc on sibling relationships.
mother AND father involvement. In other words, gone are the days when it was only the mom’s responsibility to tuck little ones in at night, for example. Quality time with dad is not the same as quality time with mom. Your child learns different things from each of you. The same applies to same-sex parents, grandparents raising grandchildren, kinship care, etc.
a democratic style of parenting. In other words, your involvement is most beneficial when you are firm, but flexible. If you are a dictator-style parent, your involvement may cause stress or defiance, or both. There is a higher likelihood of having a solid, comfortable bond with your child they feel your support through your involvement.
Being involved in a child’s life means meeting their needs, listening to them, caring for them, responding to them with respect, modeling the behavior you would like to see in them, and just plain ol’ spending time with them! If you take a moment to think about what you like about your best friend, you’d probably give reasons like “they listen to me, they always have my back, I can trust them, I enjoy spending time with them.” Can your child say that about you? I’m not saying you need to be your child’s best friend. In fact, trying to be their friend can put you (and them) in a really tough position – someone needs to be the adult and your child counts on you to be that adult, giving them parameters and a warm hug when things don’t go right. But many characteristics of your relationship with your best friend can certainly carry over to the kind of relationship you can have with your child: strong communication, love, concern, and just being present. That’s involvement. That’s necessary. That’s crucial to a strong, healthy, enriched relationship with your child. (p. 127-128)
Being overly-involved creates issues. Over-involvement demonstrates to your child, adolescent, or teen that you do not have confidence or trust in them. This can create a child who is afraid to try something new or a teen who rebels against house rules. Although over-involvement often comes from a place of love, it often translates as a level of fear, potentially causing anxiety or fear in your child.
Certainly, there are times when you need to be fully involved – are they driving for the first time and you want them to text when they get there? Totally reasonable. Are they staying overnight at a friend’s house for the first time and you’re hanging out with their child’s parent for a little while to make sure your child feels comfortable? Yup – totally reasonable too – especially for younger children. Is your child on the school basketball team and you’re on the sidelines shouting directions? Well – that’s probably over-involvement. Again – over-involvement actually creates an anxious child with lower self-esteem and a lower sense of self-worth because they feel there must be something wrong with them since you are always so involved.
Under-involvement
Under-involvement probably doesn’t apply to you if you’re reading this post. đ And, I’m sure you can guess what it is. However, let me just say that not being involved the way you would like on a particular day is not the same as being an under-involved parent. That’s just the way life goes sometimes. But if you are rarely involved in your child’s life, you are giving them a direct signal that they are not important to you. If your job requires consistent travel, try to find a way to stay connected, even if it’s over FaceTime, Zoom, or a simple phone call or text. If you do not live with your child(ren), stay connected in whatever way you can, as often as possible.
The influence of epigenetics
Epigenetics is essentially the interaction of your genes and your environment. Who you are mixes with where you are and what experiences you have. The same is, of course, true for your child. Your child may be at a difficult age where it feels like they are pushing you away. Or they may have a personality that tends to clash with yours. Find something you can agree on or enjoy together because it matters. “Positive interactions enable various parts of their genetic makeup to ‘turn on’ leading to positive growth and development, not only emotionally, but physically too.” (E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, p. 133).
Summary
Positive involvement in your child’s life creates positive experiences that help them grow and develop into caring, capable adults. Being involved is a wonderful way to make sure your child can achieve their capabilities but also shows them your love, support, and care. When you are involved with your child, you are telling them they matter. That carries with them for a lifetime.
Interested in taking a parenting style survey?
There are several parenting style surveys out there. Here are a few:
“I’ve gotta be me – what else can I be?!” That’s the line from a 1968 song by Sammy Davis Jr. The entire song fits very well with the “I” in E.N.R.I.C.H. – identity, which discusses identity formation in children.
You might wonder why I included a section on identity in my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child (available on Amazon). Simply put . . . . it’s important! Helping our children understand who they are, what they are capable of, and how they tick is as important for their mental health as healthy food is for their physical health. As I write in my book, identity is not just biological identification but also includes “thoughts, feelings, habits, motivations, morals, goals, experiences, culture, careers, strengths, and so on. It’s the quintessential question, “who am I.” “
Stages of identity
As a child ages, there are different stages they will go through that help them identify who they are, known as identity formation. Toddlers learn about themselves as they gain independence, requiring your support to encourage them in their exploration. Three to 6 year-olds will continue that exploration, and begin to take initiative, doing things on their own. An inevitable over-stepping of boundaries will occur which will require your understanding, encouragement, and guidance (not punishment). Our 7-11 year olds start to realize what they can’t do as much as what they can do. Social comparisons also become painful or prideful. And, of course, preteens and teens can struggle almost daily with who they are, what they like, who they are friends with, and what is right or wrong. Again, this is totally normal development albeit sometimes difficult for us as parents when we don’t know exactly how to help. Trust, encouragement, support, and love are critically important.
Personality & temperament
Sometimes it’s tempting to assume our child is one way or another and will never change. And it’s true – our temperament directly influences who we are. Temperament is essentially one’s activity level, attention span, adaptability, and responsiveness. Temperament is considered to be innate and biologically-based. Personality, on the other hand, is related to how one thinks, acts, and interacts with others. Personality changes can occur as one matures and incorporates the various experiences in life.
Given this information, parents can have a better sense of how to react and interact with their child. If your child has a different temperament than you do (you tend to do things quickly, for example, while your child tends to be slower), you’ll want to make sure you still support them for who they are – don’t expect them to adjust to your temperament. And, if your child’s personality seems to have taken a turn for the worse – they’re stubborn, moody, or defiant, for example, just remember that experiences (& their developmental process) might be the issue. Continue to offer your support and encouragement but make sure you’re also encouraging communication.
Sexual identity
“A child is a person first,” as I say in my book. Political battles aside, research shows unequivocally that some adolescents/teens’ sexual identification may not match a binary choice of male or female. Or, they may feel their assigned gender does not match their mental self-identification. “As your child matures to the adolescent and teen years, respect, dignity, and support need to continue, regardless of their sexual or gender preferences and orientations. To remove support can drastically negatively affect one’s identity and feelings of self-worth.” Your child counts on your support to mature into who they are meant to become.
How do we help?
To assist in your child’s identity formation, make sure to:
keep lines of communication open
be aware of differences in temperament and work to allow them the space to function within their temperament
set appropriate boundaries for behavior, using positive discipline to help correct
remind yourself that, with each developmental stage, there will be changes in personality – in other words, when possible, go with the flow of what your child/adolescent/teen is experiencing
always be aware you are a role model – be genuine in who you are while accepting differences in others
encourage, encourage, encourage
support, support, support
Summary
As Sammy Davis Jr. sang, “I can’t be right for somebody else, If I’m not right for me.” Identity formation takes a life-time. I joke that I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up! Sometimes it’s definitely a struggle to deal with the physical, social, and emotional growth our children will go through but it’s oh-so rewarding when they become the person they were meant to be. And then we love them, no matter what . . . . so they can love themselves.
How many times have you heard, “why?!” and responded with, “because I said so!” I get it. At a certain point, we just need something to get done without discussion. However, the importance of reasoning, or explaining yourself or the situation, cannot be overstated.
Reasoning is a powerful tool in positive discipline and one of the “R’s” in E.N.R.I.C.H. As I stated in my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, “when we use reasoning as a strategy for interacting with our child, we are strengthening our relationship with our child because we are not only respecting them as a person but we are teaching them how to reason.“
How early can you start reasoning?
When do you start using reasoning as a positive parenting tool? Well – it can happen as young as two! It honestly depends on the situation and how you explain it. In reviewing one of my son’s baby books, here is what I wrote when he was 2 1/2 –
He seems to know the difference between b.s. and the truth! So we usually tell him what’s really going on & he is satisfied. He may not totally understand our reasoning but quite often, after we explain why he can’t do something, he’ll say “oh” and move on to something else!
baby book quote – D. Farr
You know your child best so take their cues and comments as direction for how much reasoning they need and at what level. Be respectful. Give details when needed and in terms your child can relate to. But don’t underestimate your child – they can often understand way more than we think!
Benefits of reasoning
When someone gives me a reason for something, I may find it annoying but I may find it helpful. Regardless, I typically feel seen and heard and appreciate the interaction. Children are the same. When we reason with them, it shows respect for them and for the relationship. But another very important benefit is the positive impact reasoning has on our child’s brain. Brain research shows a child’s brain changes according to what it experiences. Yelling, put-downs, or cutting off conversation are all ways of creating negative experiences which may reduce capabilities. Supporting, showing respect, and reasoning are all examples of creating positive experiences that enhance capabilities.
“As we reason with our children, new neural connections are made in their brains, helping create new capabilities and skills. Being able to reason is a necessity for success in life. Using reasoning when they are a child helps them learn.” (Farr, 2021, p. 97).
Important tips in reasoning
Here are some important tips to help you in the reasoning process:
expect misbehavior and plan for it. Then, when something happens, you are prepared to offer logical, calm reasoning for changing a behavior.
set limits & consequences and discuss them with your child. Again, this helps you and your child better understand next steps so the reasoning makes more sense.
For example, let’s say you’ve told your child they shouldn’t feed the dog from the dinner table because it will upset the dog’s stomach but that they can help you feed the dog his dog food after dinner. In discussing the situation with your child and coming up with a plan, you have both agreed that if your child feeds the dog from the table, he will help scoop the poop in the backyard for 3 days because of the diarrhea the dog might have. But, sure enough, you find the dog hovering right beneath your child’s chair and notice things are disappearing awfully quickly from your child’s plate. Because you’ve discussed limits beforehand, the consequence is already known. The reasoning process is much easier because your child will already have knowledge of the limits and consequences.
make sure your reasoning is age-appropriate. Obviously your teen will be able to have more complex discussions and understand reasoning at a deeper level than your three-year-old.
be succinct and clear in your reasoning. I was notorious for taking five minutes to explain the reasons why I needed something done when I probably could’ve gotten better results with a two-minute chat. I would commonly get the, “mom – alright already – I get it!” response from my sons.
Reasoning in action
As I mentioned above, one of the best reasons for reasoning is because it teaches reasoning! Often, when I teach this subject, I refer to one of my all-time favorite YouTube videos. It’s an oldie, but goody, as it clearly demonstrates how children learn to reason – sometimes making our lives more difficult – but bodes well for them growing up to be capable humans. Check out the YouTube video entitled “3 Year Old Boy Argues With His Mother Over Cupcakes! This little guy certainly understands the importance of reasoning!
And yes . . . reasoning can sometimes look like arguing so we have to stay focused on the main thing! The skill of reasoning can most definitely require a lot of back-and-forth and even compromise. But then again – isn’t that what life is really all about!?
For more information on my book, please check HERE.
Have you ever been in a situation where you know things are heading down the wrong path? A behavior or conversation is not going well? Have I got a strategy for you! Welcome to the wonders of redirection!
Depending on the age of your child, they may or may not understand when they are doing something inappropriate, unsafe, or unacceptable. As parents, we have several choices of how to respond. You can simply ask them to stop, take away what they are playing/working with, or explain what the problem is. But there’s one additional strategy – redirection.
What is redirection?
Redirection is a positive parenting strategy that simply helps “change the subject.” As I describe in my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, “redirection is a perfect strategy for little ones who might not necessarily understand a situation and just need their attention shifted. Redirecting them to something else often takes their mind and attention off a behavior that isn’t appropriate or safe.” If you haven’t tried redirection with your toddler, give it a try before you get frustrated and yell. For example, if your 2-year-old is coloring on the rug, calmly pick her up, tell her coloring on the rug is not allowed, and set her in front of some blocks. When you do so, simply say, “let’s try this instead.” You might need to play with her for a minute or two (which is always a good thing anyway) to get her fully engaged in block-building.
But what about older kids? Yup – redirection can work with them too. It might take the form of, “it sounds like we’re both frustrated right now – let’s get back to what we were doing and talk about this later when we’ve cooled down.” Or you might ask them to help you with something they might consider fun. For example, let’s say your 14-year-old is scrolling through social media at the dinner table. You might ask them to help you get out the bowls for some ice cream for dessert. Yeah – I know, that’s not necessarily fun . . . . but hopefully eating ice cream would be an enticement! As they help you get out the bowls, you can simply remind them of the rules.
Let’s face it – there are times when even us adults could use some redirection. My husband and I have gotten much better at changing the subject when we’re looped into some silly argument. Not only does changing the subject (redirecting) help us cool down, but chances are whatever we were arguing about wasn’t really all that important.
How to redirect
Convinced that redirection can work? Good! Here are some pointers:
make eye contact
be succinct
resist sarcasm
speak calmly
be respectful (if you pick up a 2-year-old to redirect, do so calmly, respectfully, and explain what you’re doing as you do it)
explain your redirection, age-appropriately
Ultimately, redirection is a positive parenting tool that prevents a power struggle and creates a win-win situation. Is it successful every time? No. Is it the only positive parenting strategy needed? No. Does it work on every child? No. Think of redirection as simply another tool to keep in your back pocket . . . but a tool that can be used often and with any aged child (or adult!).
In just a few minutes, the north pole will be at its furthest tilt from the sun. Happy Solstice! This brings us the longest night. But I’m not a fan of winter so for me, it’s a matter of changing my mindset during these dark days. I need something to lift my spirits during all this darkness. Maybe it’s time to start a fun family tradition or two to keep the ho-hum winter blues away?
Here are some ideas to help you and your family enjoy the Solstice:
Take a break. Sleep in, if you can, and let the kids sleep in too. For little ones, that may not be possible but try taking everything down a notch and just going with the flow. While this might not happen on the Solstice, find a day when you all decide to sleep in and spend the whole day in your jammies!
Solstice walk. No matter where you live, it’s important to regularly get some fresh air . . . even if it is only 10 degrees! Connecting with nature helps clear our heads as we breathe in fully. Start a new family tradition – a Solstice walk! Focus on the green of evergreens, the white of the snow, the colors of the birds, or the sparkle of the neighbor’s holidays lights. Enjoy what little daylight there is or revel in the darkness before dinner!
Light those candles. If you’re like me, you have some candles hidden away in a drawer somewhere for ‘special’ occasions. The Solstice is the perfect occasion! Light some candles and have a conversation with your kids about what they enjoyed about the year and what they’re looking forward to next year. All conversations seem to have a deeper, more comfy feel, when they’re done with candles! And what a great new family tradition – it creates quality connection, improves family cohesion, and allows for everyone’s input.
Try a little hygge. The Danish use this term to describe what we might consider ‘coziness.’ To get your hygge on, take your time to make dinner together, sit by a fire, cozy up on the couch while you watch a favorite family movie, or simply mix a mug of hot cocoa and snuggle with your child. The Solstice offers the perfect opportunity for any level of hygge, especially if includes some twinkle lights to really set the mood. đ
Family traditions can be started at any time, in any place. Wherever you are today, tonight, or tomorrow, try celebrating the Solstice in a way that helps propel you to some positive family traditions.
Hmm. In writing this, I think I made myself excited for this shortest day of the year. Time to get the candles and hot cocoa. Happy Solstice!
Happy Solstice! Light some candles as a new family tradition.
For more information on how to enrich your relationship with your child, check out my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, on Amazon and in the Gibson Bookstore in Concord, NH.
âBethany, come back in here right now and give your grandmother a hug and a kiss for the gift she brought for you! Youâre so ungrateful!â Mom shouted from the couch, exhausted from all her holiday preparations.
âThank you, Gramma,â Bethany yelled from the kitchen.
âBethany Ann, get your butt in here now or you can go to your room!â Mom responded tartly. Bethany begrudgingly slid back into the family room and gave grandma a peck on the cheek before darting back into the kitchen.
Is Bethany being disrespectful? Maybe . . . maybe not.
What’s respect all about
Treating others the way you want to be treated OR treating others the way they want to be treated is what respect is about. Being polite, showing honor, being kind and attentive – these all describe what we think of as respectful behavior.
We often think children should show respect to their elders, no matter what. And respect is indeed important! But respect is a two-way street. As I wrote in my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, âchildren learn by observing and then modeling our behavior. If they are treated disrespectfully, they learn to be disrespectful. If they are treated like their opinion doesnât matter, they learn to treat others as if their opinions donât matter, including their parentsâ opinions.â
Respect during the holidays
Why am I talking about respect now? Because life seems to be at a fever pitch during the holidays, causing all of us to feel, and express, our stress even more. As you find yourself overwhelmed with everything that needs to get done, that stress trickles down to your kids. Are you seeing more meltdowns? Is everyone amped up? Has sleeping become an issue? These issues may be a result of the anticipation of the holidays, school breaks, and pressure to be around relatives.  As you work with your child, make sure it includes a dose of respect (and empathy) for what theyâre experiencing.
How to encourage respect
If youâre noticing some disrespectful behavior (in yourself as well as your child!) around the holidays, it might be time to take a deep breath and . . .
Talk and listen. Talk about how you’re feeling and what behaviors you’re noticing in your children. This not only models self-care and the importance of expressing emotions, but also shows your children you respect them, their opinions, and what they might be going through. Family meetings or one-on-one conversations can help keep the holiday crazies at bay. Just make sure you truly listen to their feelings or concerns and take them seriously.
Reduce your expectations – for your child and yourself.  While holiday traditions are important, if you find your expectations are exceeding what you or your child can truly accomplish comfortably, it might be time to tweak that tradition into a more flexible process.
Show respect. The stress of trying to get everything done can mean tempers flare more easily. Your child is likely feeling their own stress as well as your stress – only they may not understand why theyâre moody, anxious, or exhausted. When you show respect by recognizing they may be on overload, they learn how to be respectful even when challenged.Â
So letâs look back at our encounter with Bethany. Was Bethany disrespectful? Well – if she didnât say âthank youâ to Grandma when she opened her gift, thatâs certainly a missed opportunity for showing respect to Grandma. On the other hand, Bethany did not experience respect. Mom yelled at her and called her ungrateful. And what if Mom had just yelled at Grandma for not getting the correct gift? Kids need to see respect to learn it, even when weâre exhausted from all the holiday trappings.
Before you discipline for behavior, make sure you are being respectful
One quick note – forcing your child to hug, kiss, or otherwise physically interact with someone can be tricky. Yes – Grandma may really appreciate that kiss on the cheek but to force a child to give them a hug or kiss, sit on a relativeâs lap, rub their back, or whatever, can send the wrong message to a child. I had a great Uncle who tickled me even when I asked him to stop. He made me uncomfortable and fortunately, my parents didnât require me to give him a hug or kiss. Kids need to understand they have control over their own bodies. That helps them grow up to respect themselves.
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
Thomas Edison
I don’t know about you, but some days just aren’t good days. I’m grumpy, moody, angry, or just feeling low. If my husband says, “cheer up!” . . . . that usually just makes me grumpier! Does that happen to you? It’s only when I actively try to do something about it that I am able to ‘use the negatives’ and turn things around.
The same thing happens to our kids. They will experience difficult situations and bad days. But many times, kids don’t have many strategies for dealing with the negatives. That’s where parents can help.
In my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, I’ve given suggestions for ways to help our children learn to deal with the negatives. “She was mean to me.” “I got a bad grade.” “I’m bored.” “My life sucks.” Maybe you’ve heard some of these? Here are some tips for helping those negatives turn into growth-producing, positive opportunities:
Fully listen when they share a negative. Resist the urge to say “life isn’t fair” or “get over it and move on.” Comments like these shut down conversation, removing opportunities for your child to think out loud about what they could do.
Be encouraging. Remind them of a time when you saw them deal with a tough situation successfully. Or offer to be a sounding board for some of their ideas of how to resolve the issue.
Have empathy. Try to feel what they may be experiencing so you can be more understanding. Sometimes sharing a personal story about how you went through something similar can help them see they are not the only one having an issue.
Let them struggle for a bit. It is in the struggle that they learn what works and what doesn’t. In other words, allow your child to deal with the negatives in their own way initially, offering support only in serious situations or if they continue to struggle. If you swoop in to ‘save the day’ they don’t learn. They may also think you think they can’t handle it.
Challenge their thinking. Human nature makes us assume the worst – it’s a survival technique we’ve all inherited from our ancestors. But sometimes things aren’t the worst! Help your child verbalize what they are thinking and feeling to help them see whether they may be assuming something that’s not really there. As I say in my book, “sometimes our thoughts and feelings are actually more harmful than the actual situation.”
Help them name their emotions. It’s much easier to work with a situation when you can really understand how you feel about it.
Help them strategize. If they really do have an issue that needs working out, help them come up with ways they can deal with the negative. When they take that step, make sure to follow up with them to congratulate them for trying, regardless of the outcome.
Resist the urge to say, “I told you so.” Remember – they are “adults in training” – they won’t get things right every time.
Get help if things are really tough. None of us can handle everything on our own. When your child is really struggling and dealing with the negatives seems out of control or impossible, reach out to a professional. It shows you care and models that seeking help is not something to be embarrassed about.
It is in dealing with the negatives that we mature and grow. While it’s tempting to try to remove the negatives from our child’s life, we all want what’s best for our child. What’s best is to help them learn how to deal with the negatives that will inevitably come their way. After all, experiencing the negatives is what helps us really appreciate the positives!
This week’s focus is to help children learn how to name their emotions. It is one of the “N’s” in E.N.R.I.C.H. Naming emotions is a strategy that is meant to help your child not only learn how to regulate their emotions but to be resilient through the ups and downs of childhood by expressing themself.
Name ALL the emotions!
Have you ever heard the phrase ‘name it to tame it?’ When we can name what emotion we’re feeling, we know how to deal with it. Young children don’t know how to express their various emotions so we often see crying, tantrums, or withdrawal. Helping our child name their emotion gives them a communication tool to help them, as well as us, know what we’re dealing with. As children get older, they may know the name of how they’re feeling but not be comfortable expressing it. We need to help them not only be aware of their feelings but to know how to express them in an appropriate way. This is a gift that keeps on giving as it is a wonderful life-long skill. If our 7-year-old can say, “I’m frustrated with all the rules” rather than throwing a fit when we ask them to clean up, that not only helps them in getting their feelings out but it helps us understand what might be needed as a next step.
Why is naming emotions important?
Emotions have to come out at some point!
In the parenting workshops I give, utilizing my new book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, I talk about how being able to name emotions, as well as express them, helps reduce stress, makes the child more resilient, and improves communication. This goes for all children . . . boys and girls. For far too long, society has subtly (and not so subtly) told boys to hold in their emotions. Research is showing this is not helpful to their mental health and can actually be detrimental to society as a whole.
We cannot tell a child or adolescent (or adult) howto feel or not to feel a certain way, but we can certainly help them identify those feelings and figure out a way to deal with them. Unexpressed feelings build up and can cause all sorts of issues from bullying to depression to headaches to anxiety.
Think of emotions as a water hose. One unexpressed emotion causes a small kink in the hose so the child’s energy or communication doesn’t flow quite as well. If they have numerous unexpressed emotions, or a particular emotion builds up, now we’ve got a hose that is just barely dribbling water. The minute something happens to un-kink that hose, it sprays all over the please, releasing built up tension. A child (or adult, for that matter) is the same way. When we hold in how we’re feeling, or try to ignore it, it can build and build, ultimately causing a ‘spray’ of emotions that may or may not be appropriate.
“feelings are like farts – better out than in”
E. Zhivotosvskaya
Helping our child name and express their emotions needs to consider their temperament, the time of day, and the place. Some children won’t need to have a long conversation about it – just a little help. Others, however, may need to really work at identifying how they feel so they can communicate it. When you help your child name an emotion, it’s best to do in private, one-on-one, if possible. In the middle of the movie theater is probably not the best time to say, “tell me what you’re feeling so I can help you.”
It’s not just for the negative emotions
And let’s not forget – there are plenty of positive emotions that we also want our children to identify! Hearing our son or daughter say, “I’m really proud of the work I put into that” is a wonderful way to name an emotion! They need to learn that focusing on their strengths and abilities, being successful, and expressing that, is okay, especially since it builds self esteem. And, as a parent, give yourself credit now and then too by naming your emotion – “I feel really good about the way I handled that issue with you kids!”
And I’m excited I was able to share this important information with you. đ
Do you know the difference between empathy and sympathy? One easy way to identify the difference is by what someone might say – “that’s too bad” or “I feel your pain.” The first one is sympathy – expressing sorrow for what someone is going through. The second one is empathy – actually feeling what someone is going through. The quickest way to have empathy is to remember a similar situation you may have gone through and calling up that feeling within you. That helps you actually feel what someone else may be feeling.
Why is this important when we’re talking about relationships with children? Because empathy is a deeper, more personal connection and can help put you “in the shoes” of what your child might be going through. Rather than saying “that’s too bad that you didn’t get invited to the party,” you might say “I’m so sorry you didn’t get invited, I know that can really hurt feelings.” Let’s be clear though – both comments can be helpful and supportive for your child so I’m not saying don’t have sympathy. But when you express empathy, you really connect into what your child is going through and that can help them feel supported and open up a bit more.
“Mom, do you think my hair looks dumb?” asks Jaynelle.
“Of course not!” mom says, as she closes the fridge and looks straight at Jaynelle. “Why are you asking me that question – did something happen?”
With a frown on her face, Jaynelle replied, “yeah, Lindsey told me this morning she thought my hair looked dumb and I didn’t even know what to say!” Jaynelle looked down at the floor as she ran her fingers through her hair.
As Mom made eye contact with Jaynelle, she said, “oh I’m so sorry that happened to you Jaynelle. I can tell by your face that it really bothered you. That wasn’t a fun way to start your day! Come sit with me on the couch and let’s talk about this.”
“That really stinks that she said that,” Mom said, putting her arm around her as they both sank into the couch pillows.
“Yeah, she’s been mean to me before but this time it really hurt my feelings,” said Jaynelle, as her eyes welled up with tears.
“Totally – when people say mean things to us, it can definitely make us feel badly,” Mom replied. “I had something similar happen to me one time – someone told me my jeans made me look fat. It bothered me so much I ended up getting rid of those jeans! It seems like that might be how you’re feeling right now. I’m so sorry.” Mom snuggled up next to Jaynelle and just sat quietly with her on the couch.
Steps to showing empathy
Brene Brown has a great YouTube video on empathy versus sympathy. In it, she describes 4 different steps to showing empathy. Using these steps helps us connect with our child: 1) take the perspective of your child. In other words, step out of your role as parent and see the situation through your child’s eyes; 2) hold back any judgement about the situation – just let your child vent – simply listen; 3) feel with your child; and lastly, 4) connect with something in yourself that helps you understand the person.
This may feel like a lot of steps and it’s not always easy to do. When we’re in a grumpy mood, tired, in a hurry – any of these situations can make having empathy seem like too much work. But when we’re able to connect on the deeper, more personal level, it creates a wonderful bond between parent and child, no matter the child’s age.
Empathy shows you truly care, models caring behavior, and helps your child feel loved, supported, and resilient. Definitely worth the effort.
