How many times have you heard, “why?!” and responded with, “because I said so!” I get it. At a certain point, we just need something to get done without discussion. However, the importance of reasoning, or explaining yourself or the situation, cannot be overstated.

Reasoning is a powerful tool in positive discipline and one of the “R’s” in E.N.R.I.C.H. As I stated in my book, E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, “when we use reasoning as a strategy for interacting with our child, we are strengthening our relationship with our child because we are not only respecting them as a person but we are teaching them how to reason.“

How early can you start reasoning?

When do you start using reasoning as a positive parenting tool? Well – it can happen as young as two! It honestly depends on the situation and how you explain it. In reviewing one of my son’s baby books, here is what I wrote when he was 2 1/2 –

He seems to know the difference between b.s. and the truth! So we usually tell him what’s really going on & he is satisfied. He may not totally understand our reasoning but quite often, after we explain why he can’t do something, he’ll say “oh” and move on to something else!

baby book quote – D. Farr

You know your child best so take their cues and comments as direction for how much reasoning they need and at what level. Be respectful. Give details when needed and in terms your child can relate to. But don’t underestimate your child – they can often understand way more than we think!

Benefits of reasoning

When someone gives me a reason for something, I may find it annoying but I may find it helpful. Regardless, I typically feel seen and heard and appreciate the interaction. Children are the same. When we reason with them, it shows respect for them and for the relationship. But another very important benefit is the positive impact reasoning has on our child’s brain. Brain research shows a child’s brain changes according to what it experiences. Yelling, put-downs, or cutting off conversation are all ways of creating negative experiences which may reduce capabilities. Supporting, showing respect, and reasoning are all examples of creating positive experiences that enhance capabilities.

“As we reason with our children, new neural connections are made in their brains, helping create new capabilities and skills. Being able to reason is a necessity for success in life. Using reasoning when they are a child helps them learn.” (Farr, 2021, p. 97).

Important tips in reasoning

Here are some important tips to help you in the reasoning process:

• expect misbehavior and plan for it. Then, when something happens, you are prepared to offer logical, calm reasoning for changing a behavior.
• set limits & consequences and discuss them with your child. Again, this helps you and your child better understand next steps so the reasoning makes more sense.
  • For example, let’s say you’ve told your child they shouldn’t feed the dog from the dinner table because it will upset the dog’s stomach but that they can help you feed the dog his dog food after dinner. In discussing the situation with your child and coming up with a plan, you have both agreed that if your child feeds the dog from the table, he will help scoop the poop in the backyard for 3 days because of the diarrhea the dog might have. But, sure enough, you find the dog hovering right beneath your child’s chair and notice things are disappearing awfully quickly from your child’s plate. Because you’ve discussed limits beforehand, the consequence is already known. The reasoning process is much easier because your child will already have knowledge of the limits and consequences.
• make sure your reasoning is age-appropriate. Obviously your teen will be able to have more complex discussions and understand reasoning at a deeper level than your three-year-old.
• be succinct and clear in your reasoning. I was notorious for taking five minutes to explain the reasons why I needed something done when I probably could’ve gotten better results with a two-minute chat. I would commonly get the, “mom – alright already – I get it!” response from my sons.

Reasoning in action

As I mentioned above, one of the best reasons for reasoning is because it teaches reasoning! Often, when I teach this subject, I refer to one of my all-time favorite YouTube videos. It’s an oldie, but goody, as it clearly demonstrates how children learn to reason – sometimes making our lives more difficult – but bodes well for them growing up to be capable humans. Check out the YouTube video entitled “3 Year Old Boy Argues With His Mother Over Cupcakes! This little guy certainly understands the importance of reasoning!

And yes . . . reasoning can sometimes look like arguing so we have to stay focused on the main thing! The skill of reasoning can most definitely require a lot of back-and-forth and even compromise. But then again – isn’t that what life is really all about!?

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