Involvement with your child
To enjoy your family tomorrow, you have to be in your child’s life today.
Being involved with your child means different things to each of us. Possibly your parent wasn’t very involved with you growing up so you’ve made it your goal to be fully involved in your child’s life. Or maybe you work two jobs and being involved with your child can only happen late evening and on weekends. Regardless, I hope we can all agree that being involved, genuinely and consistently, in your child’s life is important.
What does appropriate involvement look like?
When you spend time with your child, you are letting them know you care. Undivided attention sends the best message but sometimes just being in the same room, doing different things, can be considered involvement. Appropriate involvement includes:
- finding regular time to spend one-on-one with your child. If you have more than one child, involvement together is great but the individual time is important.
- making sure the time you spend with your child does not depend on their gender. It’s not surprising you may enjoy certain activities with your daughter and not your son, or vice versa. Just make sure you are spreading your time equally as best you can. Children quickly pick up on subtle cues such as the amount of time you spend with them versus their sibling. And favoritism can wreak havoc on sibling relationships.
- mother AND father involvement. In other words, gone are the days when it was only the mom’s responsibility to tuck little ones in at night, for example. Quality time with dad is not the same as quality time with mom. Your child learns different things from each of you. The same applies to same-sex parents, grandparents raising grandchildren, kinship care, etc.
- a democratic style of parenting. In other words, your involvement is most beneficial when you are firm, but flexible. If you are a dictator-style parent, your involvement may cause stress or defiance, or both. There is a higher likelihood of having a solid, comfortable bond with your child they feel your support through your involvement.
Being involved in a child’s life means meeting their needs, listening to them, caring for them, responding to them with respect, modeling the behavior you would like to see in them, and just plain ol’ spending time with them! If you take a moment to think about what you like about your best friend, you’d probably give reasons like “they listen to me, they always have my back, I can trust them, I enjoy spending time with them.” Can your child say that about you? I’m not saying you need to be your child’s best friend. In fact, trying to be their friend can put you (and them) in a really tough position – someone needs to be the adult and your child counts on you to be that adult, giving them parameters and a warm hug when things don’t go right. But many characteristics of your relationship with your best friend can certainly carry over to the kind of relationship you can have with your child: strong communication, love, concern, and just being present. That’s involvement. That’s necessary. That’s crucial to a strong, healthy, enriched relationship with your child. (p. 127-128)
E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child (2021) – D. Kruenegel-Farr
Over-involvement
Being overly-involved creates issues. Over-involvement demonstrates to your child, adolescent, or teen that you do not have confidence or trust in them. This can create a child who is afraid to try something new or a teen who rebels against house rules. Although over-involvement often comes from a place of love, it often translates as a level of fear, potentially causing anxiety or fear in your child.
Certainly, there are times when you need to be fully involved – are they driving for the first time and you want them to text when they get there? Totally reasonable. Are they staying overnight at a friend’s house for the first time and you’re hanging out with their child’s parent for a little while to make sure your child feels comfortable? Yup – totally reasonable too – especially for younger children. Is your child on the school basketball team and you’re on the sidelines shouting directions? Well – that’s probably over-involvement. Again – over-involvement actually creates an anxious child with lower self-esteem and a lower sense of self-worth because they feel there must be something wrong with them since you are always so involved.
Under-involvement
Under-involvement probably doesn’t apply to you if you’re reading this post. 🙂 And, I’m sure you can guess what it is. However, let me just say that not being involved the way you would like on a particular day is not the same as being an under-involved parent. That’s just the way life goes sometimes. But if you are rarely involved in your child’s life, you are giving them a direct signal that they are not important to you. If your job requires consistent travel, try to find a way to stay connected, even if it’s over FaceTime, Zoom, or a simple phone call or text. If you do not live with your child(ren), stay connected in whatever way you can, as often as possible.
The influence of epigenetics
Epigenetics is essentially the interaction of your genes and your environment. Who you are mixes with where you are and what experiences you have. The same is, of course, true for your child. Your child may be at a difficult age where it feels like they are pushing you away. Or they may have a personality that tends to clash with yours. Find something you can agree on or enjoy together because it matters. “Positive interactions enable various parts of their genetic makeup to ‘turn on’ leading to positive growth and development, not only emotionally, but physically too.” (E.N.R.I.C.H. Your Relationship With Your Child, p. 133).
Summary
Positive involvement in your child’s life creates positive experiences that help them grow and develop into caring, capable adults. Being involved is a wonderful way to make sure your child can achieve their capabilities but also shows them your love, support, and care. When you are involved with your child, you are telling them they matter. That carries with them for a lifetime.
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